February 21st, 2025 โ 10 PM
Mood: Excited
Listening to: Acid Black Cherry
My Taobao package came today...! I got my itabags... and my cute bag for my Izaya BJD... I'm so excited...
#TBH I'm not really the best at making itabags so there's one that I'm not really that happy with atm but I just need to add a little more to it I think... I really like the Chinese itabags and I took a little inspo from them with these.
Actually, speaking of my Izaya BJD, the shop I ordered the body from messaged me today and sent an image of the completed faceup! I'm really excited. There's one issue I had but they're fixing it so it'll be done after. Now I just need to get his clothes commissioned... ๐
I really need a new job already... having no steady source of income is really bothering me... and I feel restless whenever I'm not working regularly... it's not like I want to buy a bunch of stuff, but having a car payment without a job is ... not ideal ... and I want to be able to save more... ugh, I was so excited to start saving some from each of my paychecks right before I got fired... that's so irritating... it's like the world's way of punishing me for getting too carried away or something... I feel like I keep talking about wanting a job in every one of these entries lol sorry. I should be enjoying the jobless life... waking up and getting to go straight to thinking about Izaya................ it's actually quite nice... (brain damage)
At any rate, I'm really excited to see ONE OK ROCK in May... I'm so happy the tickets weren't insanely priced either... a breath of fresh air in this current era... (looking over at mcr) anyways omg can you believe I've been into OOR for almost 10 yrs and still never seen them live. I can't wait... I've never been to this venue either so I want to see if I like it. If anyone is also going to the Houston show lmkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk ๐๐โโ๏ธ
I want to go eat my leftover butter chicken so I'm gonna go now... but I'll prolly go back to working on the media page later. Bye...!
February 20th, 2025 โ 12 AM
Mood: Excited
Listening to: Acid Black Cherry
I'm trying to be more consistent again...! I hope it lasts...
Fall Out Boy announced they're headlining Summer Sonic this year!!!!!! Ughhhhh, I want to go so bad... the lineup is always so good, and it's literally a few days before my birthday... but I don't even have a passport... ๐ I applied to another job today so maybe if I can save enough money by August...?
My Taobao package is supposed to come on Saturday. I'm so excited... I can't wait to make more cute Izaya itabags...
Oh... I just realized I forgot to introduce the new page layout! It's not too much of a redesign, since most of the elements remained the same, but I fixed the really outdated and sloppy code... along with adding the little filter at the bottom! Now you can sort by month. ^_^
The thing at the top that says "Listening to: Acid Black Cherry" is not an understatement. I think they're all I've been listening to in the past few days. I preordered the remastered BLACK LIST and Q.E.D. CDs the other day, and then I just preordered L and 2012 (I was about to actually say I can't wait to PO them but then I saw that the preorders opened on the 14th so I ran to get them๐ญ), so I can't wait for all of those to come out in April... โค At rate, my point with this was that ABC is really good and you should all go listen to them.
I finally have a layout for my favorite media page, but I'm like... really slow with figuring out how to arrange it all... and I'm already kind of not liking it... I get really picky with my layouts and stuff... it just doesn't flow well for me. I dunno... I'll keep working on it and see. I want to write more of the reviews for the albums on my fave albums page, but I'm not that good with articulating my feelings... I'm trying to work on that though. I want to write about the music I love......
I'm going back to my cardiologist next week for a follow up ... I've been on this medicine for a month or so now, and I guess my thoughts are? It's okay... I don't think my dose is high enough to make a difference. I mean, as in how often I take it. It only lasts a few hours, so I need to be taking it a few times a day... but I only take it once at night... so I think I'll probably start taking it more frequently tomorrow and see how it is. It's all really experimental, so I'll just have to let him know what my experience is with it.
I'm so excited for this year's Izaya birthday... I honestly don't know if I'll do a huge photoshoot thingy this year because I didn't buy a ton of Izaya merch last year (spent my money buying music/computer stuff...)... but I DID get my Izaya nendoroids, so I dunno... I just don't want to do all of that again this year because my room is so small and I'm miserable enough in here, it's really hard to do anything cool like that in here... I had to really pray last year's would work well in here...
That being said...! I know there is something I want to do. And that is...
...making a new cardboard cutout...!
I actually made one back in 2020... but it doesn't look that good. For starters, I had to break it up into small sheets of paper, so you can see some of the lines, and then the colors aren't really that vibrant, and also... it's not completely to scale. It's shorter than me... which isn't accurate... so this year, I want to go to a place that prints those big vinyl stickers and do that instead. I need to probably remake the image I used as well, since I think iirc, I used the Illustrator vectorize or whatever tool, and it doesn't look all that good in some spots... basically, I just need to make it look perfect. I'm wondering if I should maybe use a different piece of art this time, though, since I was already vecorizing the key visual art...
...thinking about it, I really do like the original art I used because it's cute and I like to stand next to it, and the key visual would be too wide... I dunno... I'll see............ I'm just very excited . This year, the theme for the kuji are Sanrio characters...! I'm a bit surprised they put Kuromi with Shizuo, though... she is very Izaya core. But I think that gap is cute... I'm just excited for the Izaya art because I know they're gonna do his sexy pink nurse outfit... ๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค๐คค
And all the cute pastels...... it speaks to me........ as much as I am an emo at heart I am also someone who loves pinks and pastels and rainbows at heart... it feels kind of silly how different my tastes are but I feel like my fashion and music taste are the first, and then I just happen to like pink things... like my keyboard... they had a black version but I dgaf I wanted the pink cause it was the cutest... and also bc it matched my Izaya desk mat hehe.
Anyways... I'm going to go to bed. I'll probably keep working on this site tomorrow... along with rewatching Haruhi. Goodnight...!
February 16th, 2025 โ 10-11 PM
Mood: Excited
Listening to: Fall Out Boy + Acid Black Cherry
Hi! It's been a while. Sorry.
I actually tried to come back and write a diary entry the other day, but I decided on not posting it for a few reasons. Anyways, I'm back now! I have free time to code again because I lost my job (lol).
I'm sad about it, but also not, because I didn't really like what I was doing there. I wanted to work there because of my interest in medicine, and yet so much of my responsibilities included sales... it was just not very enjoyable for me. Not to mention I'm not good with numbers like that. At any rate, too much good stuff has happened to me to dwell on that, so I'll start with what I got in the mail yesterday.
A new keyboard...!!!!
I've been using this Razer keyboard I've had for a few years now, and I... really didn't like it. It was a 100%, which I really do love the numpad, but I wanted to downsize (more on that later). That, and I've been wanting a proper mechanical keyboard for a while now, because I didn't already have enough expensive hobbies. ๐คฆโโ๏ธ
Jokes aside, it's been like night and day. I got a NuPhy Halo75 in pink, and it's sooooooooooooooo cute........... I got the raspberry switches. They sound so good... my old keyboard had clicky switches, which are fun, but I didn't really like it anymore. And after using these new switches, I really don't know how I ever liked them... I've realized I like linear switches. I was eyeing the Gem80 as well, but I didn't like the shade of pink it used for the body or the keycaps.
Anyways. As I said earlier, I wanted to downsize. I got this mousepad a while back that I was never able to use because my old Razer was so huge, it covered the most important part of it.
My beautiful wife...
It looks so cute. I am so happy... I'm planning on getting a new mouse as well, but for now, I'm fine with this one...
I went to see Phantom Siita on their first world tour the other day! It was really fun. I made a friend there as well and we ended up getting coffee together afterwards. And then my car got towed and I had to pay an insane amount of money to get it out because towing companies are greedy bastards who will go to hell when they die! โค
It's technically my fault for getting towed but I honestly don't care because parking in that area is so fucking shit dude. Everything is right off the road so the parking lots are like always packed. I love that area but god I do not like driving there.
But I actually went there a few months ago as well! For an entirely different reason... I went to this Christmas dinner for my old job, and the restaurant was near the area. So after dinner, I drove myself over to this place, and I got my first piercing! It was my navel (I couldn't get a septum like I wanted bc the piercer wasn't in and also I wasn't really supposed to bc I was working in a medical facility)... I'm really happy with it. It's been healing really well, so I'm thankful for that. I want to go back and get a few face piercings as well eventually, but I'm still trying to figure out which.
Well, I have to wait until I get a new job first...
I'm so conflicted. I applied for a job in my area and I had an interview, but... I'm on the fence about it. The job itself is cool, and I like the people, but I just don't know about the hours... one of the things about my old job I appreciated was that I had a day off during the week (because I need a day to rest bc of my condition + I don't want to have to use PTO if I need to go to the doctor or smth), but I don't think that is the norm for jobs here in America... it's just really annoying.
It's super exhausting because I told myself I'd take a little break before I applied for any more jobs, but I just feel so stressed while I'm not making money. And my dad irritates me about it too... I just feel like I can't rest. I suppose that's capitalism at work, but man, it fucking sucks now that I'm finally experiencing it for myself.
But again, I said I'd focus on the more fun stuff, so let's do that...! I'm getting another package in the mail soon from Taobao, because I learned you can order from them directly. I'm getting itabags... I'm so excited... โคโคโค
I also finally started the medicine I've been wanting to try for ages! I like it. I think the dose I'm on is wearing off, so I should probably up it soon, but it's nice. I think I'll probably see more results when I take it more often though. My cardiologist was the one who prescribed it since the neurologist I was seeing didn't want to prescribe it, and my cardiologist kinda was irritated that the neuro was gonna have me getting passed back and forth between doctors so I own him my life. I'm seeing a new neurologist now and he's really cool. I was supposed to get an EEG but it was too expensive... so I'm gonna see how much the MRI is cause I never had one of those.
During the Cyber Monday sale, I finally got myself something I've been wanting for ages now: Sennheiser HD650s!!!!! They sound so good. I hate to admit this because I'm lowkey proving the annoying elitist audiophiles right but sometimes records DO in fact sound better than the CD. I have a 180g pressing of Fall Out Boy's From Under The Cork Tree that sounds... So Good. Snitches and Talkers in particular. I might get a proper DAC for them, but right now, I'm using the Apple 3.5mm to USB-C dongle and honestly... it's pretty good. On my iPhone at least. On my Samsung, it's not loud enough, but that's the fault of how Android has their thing set up. There's workarounds through apps, but they're paid, so that's kind of a bummer. On my computer, it's also fine, but I feel like I could do a little better. I mean, I bought expensive headphones. So right now, the best sound I get with them is by using them with my reciever, because it's got enough power to drive them. It sounds great, I just want more options. The problem with looking for a good DAC is just the fact that there are so many. I'm a little overwhelmed, to be honest... lol. I do a lot of research, but I never know if I'm going with the best option for what I want. (I actually had this problem while looking for a keyboard as well)
To bring in the new year, I did something I've been wanting to do for a while; build a new computer...! I went out and bought everything except for the GPU, because I don't need to upgrade atm (nor do I want to do that atm). I was fortunate enough to have gotten quite a bit of Christmas money, some of that being in the form of Amazon gift cards, so I bought everything within the span of a few days, since I had already been researching a lot of parts and had a PCPartPicker list. I'm really happy with how it turned out.
I would love to show the actual hardware in this photo but unfortunately I have to choose between the fan LCDs being visible or fucking glowing. And I wanted to show off the screens because Izaya is on them. I want to get some little fam grills to put on them and make them look cuter. And then there's a cool little shelf I saw for figures and stuff that has ARGB as well so u know I have to get one of those to put my little Izaya figures on it. ๐ฅฐ
At this point I should just make a page on here called "My expensive hobbies" because it seems like for some reason everything I get into is something that has to suck all the money out of my fucking bank account. This is the main reason I have to have a job bruh. ๐คฆโโ๏ธ
Anyways I'm getting distracted rly bad so I'm gonna end this here but. I'm gonna go back to working on my site ๐ byeeeeeeee:3
October 14th, 2024 โ 7 PM
Mood: ๐ฅฐ Chilling
Listening to: Slow Damage OP (it's on repeat...)
Do you remember when I said I was scared of driving a rental? There was a reason for that.
Literally the day before I went to pick up my car and trade it back in, I fucking scratched it on a bucket in town. Now, it wasn't completely my fault, mind you, because there's so much construction in my area, it's like... really hard to navigate the roads. They've got these buckets here, and with how often they move them back in place, it's like they want us to fuck up our cars.
But I digress. At least the dealership was really cool with me. So I got my beautiful car and drove it home... wow, Bose speakers sound so good... ๐คค๐คค๐คค
Just the other day, I went to pick the registration up as well, so now I get to use my custom plates again. If you ever see anyone in the Houston area with My Chemical Romance plates, that is meeeee๐
But...of course, even though I paid off a lot of my car with my old one (and a little bit extra on credit), I still have a bit to pay off. Which means I needed a job... so I got a job. At retail. I had connections since my mom already worked there before.
I have already applied for another job!
My schedule is not stable. It's frustrating. I get asked to come in days I'm off, and then I don't even know if I'm working a day until the night before. For the pay I'm getting? It's certainly not worth it. Not like I get many hours a week either...
So the job I applied to... I really really really hope I get it. Not just because of my problems with this job, but because it's literally perfect. It's in the medical field!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which is what I want to do!!!!!!!!!!!! I want it so bad I feel like mega autism creeping up on me every time I daydream about it. And the pay... my goodness. I don't have any experience, but I do know enough about medical terminology and whatnot that they said in the listing they'd be willing to train. Which I mean, I can't get my hopes up, because they'll likely pick someone who has more experience than me, but ngrghhhhhhhh...I WANT THIS JOB SO BADDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
At any rate, did you see? Fall Out Boy is teasing another tour... I want to go so badly. 3ourdust... ideally, I'd love if they came back to Houston (Toyota Center...), but since they went to Houston on the first leg, and then Austin on the second, I think they might do... San Antonio? Which is what MCR did on their tour...ugh... I hate SA.........there's nothing over there... the only thing saving it is the boba place I like has a location over there. So... whatever.
As for what I've been doing lately... well, aside from working? I've been playing Slow Damage... hehe...
I've been meaning to play it for a long time, actually. I had it on my Desktop since August, but I've only been getting around to really playing it over the past few weeks or so. I finished Taku's route, so I'm on Rei's route now... Towa is so cute............ actually, the main thing that motivated me was the new Towa figure going up for preorder. I wanted the Native scale as well, but since I hadn't played the game back then, I put it off because I don't like to buy from sources I don't know. But I wasn't going to make the same mistake again...! So I played more of the game, and as soon as I saw the scene with him and Taku in the hotel, I quickly went to AmiAmi and preordered him. Unfortunately, Towa's character hits many of my moe points. I am so charmed by him... ๐โโ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ
As you saw in the "Listening to" field, I... have had the Slow Damage OP on loop for a few days. Well, that's kind of a lie. It's like, I listen to other songs on Spotify, but I have the OP on this other music player I use for local files specifically, and it's just been playing the OP over and over. It's peak...
Maybe I'll make something on here for the game/Towa eventually... it doesn't take much of me playing the game to know I like him very much. Those are the characters I hold close to my heart. I still regret not getting the Native scale... I know they likely won't rerelease him this quickly, and resellers are already putting up crazy prices... someone on MFC's asking 1k USD for the Koujaku/Aoba scale !?!? ใใผใใผไบบใฏๆฌๅฝๆญปใญใฐใใโฆ๐คฆโโ๏ธ๐คฆโโ๏ธ๐คฆโโ๏ธ
But that reminds me... I want to play Dramatical Murder and then eventually Togainu no Chi after I finish Slow Damage... actually, I played a bit of DMMD when I was ~13/14 (peak fujoism), but because I was kind of really stupid and couldn't follow the plot, I lost interest... well, I think I did get Koujaku's ending. Or close enough to it. I liked him. And Clear. And Aoba, of course. Aoba was always funny to me bc here's Aoba with blue hair and then like I go to Durarara and there's another Aoba with blue hair. ๐
Oh that reminds me I like Towa too bc he's voiced by Ono Yuuki aka one of the coolest seiyuu. He voices Rocchi in Durarara BTW... โก
This is on a much different note, but I am thinking of changing my name... I already have my new name in mind bc I've already been lowkey using it (but not rly) so ya. I just find it hard to detatch Light from myself. But at the same time I rly want to be something else. Lore drop here but the only reason I am going by that name is because of a weirdo mental illness moment 4 years ago. And yes unfortunately Light Yagami from Death Note is involved. But it's like. I don't want tht to be how I get my name yanno.
But the biggest reason I want to change my name is bc of my yumeship name... I can't combine Light and Izaya in a cute way... >______< My other name however? Well that is the ship name I have been using for many ages... ๐ฅฐ On that note this is also why I need to get that new job... I need more money to commission more cute Izaya/xmzy art... along with just buying more Izaya merch ๐ฅบ
One of the collabs I had preordered merch from already arrived at my warehouse, so now I need to figure out if I'll wait for more to arrive (it's not looking likely with how the release dates line up) or just ship this stuff out now. I'm so sad bc the 20th anni merch was supposed to ship out the beginning of this month, but they have the release date now to "as soon as it's confirmed"... this was the merch with the Izaya dakimakura btw... ๐
This weekend is WWWY... and I'll be stuck in NOT Vegas... I'm so sad... uwehhhh....... I wanted to see Fall Out Boy and MCR together... and all the ppl on twt talking abt Snitches and Talkers 8ball SHH SHH SHH SHUUUUUSH they might hear you... dont talk it into existence...plzs.....awiat until im there........๐ฅบ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญไฟบใใใชใใฉใคใใงใใใฅใผใใใ็ฟๆฅใใฅใผในใซไฟบใฎๆญปไฝๅบใ๐
Actually, if FOB does another leg for their tour forreal I want to try and see all the shows in Texas this time... I said this last time for 2ourdust but the truth is I was still really ill and it just wasn't realistic... now I'm going to see a neurologist this week and I might be able to get a medicine that could help a ton with my issues... so let's just hope๐๐๐
I really want to get back to Slow Damage, but I'll try a little bit to work on my site... I think it might honestly just end up with me looking at the screen of code for a minute, before closing VSCode again. Sorry. But I wanted to at least put something on my diary page to show signs of life. I think this is all I have to say for now. Hopefully my next entry will be about a new job and new medicine. ๐
September 22nd, 2024 โ 11 PM
Mood: ๐ค Excited
Listening to: Infinity on High + From Under The Cork Tree
Ahem... long time no see, huh? ๐๐๐๐๐
Sorry. Sorry. It's been thing after thing for the past month.
I went to see Kikuo on the 1st! I met up with a friend from last.fm and had dinner afterwards. It was really fun... even if it was raining.
The biggest things that happened to me are that I finally got a job!!! The thing that was motivating me mainly (aside from buying Izaya merch)? My new car...
This is my second car, and the first one I've ever put down in my name/paid for. It's really exciting. I'm getting a 25 Civic Touring... I managed to negotiate pretty well and knock it down a few thousand too. That was thanks to Reddit and YouTube... they also tried to give me the insurance bullshit. I do not need that... it's a Honda bro . Well, I don't have it yet. I had to sell my car thru Carmax instead of doing a tradein cause their offer was dogshit (to their credit, the boss explained to me that its cause theyre forced to use Honda OEM parts and Carmax isnt so he told me sell it there instead) and the check takes a few days to clear before we can use it for the down payment... but they gave us a super nice rental for the time being. It's a 2024 Accord Sport... in a really pretty red color. I really like driving it. Interior wise, it's similar to my car, but... mine is better. ๐โโ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ I also get the Bose sound system on my car... I tried it out during the test drive the other day. Of course, the first song I listened to was Snitches and Talkers...
Still, as much as I like this Accord, I want my car already. Cause... driving a rental is pretty scary. I can't do nothing to it... and I'm already having to learn how to do right turns/lane changes without my side mirror camera. The 2021 Civic was like... the only year that did that? And then I guess they just switched to the blind spot detection thing. So hopefully, the check will clear tomorrow, and I'll be able to go get it...? I'm already going into Houston anyways for two tests, so it would be super convenient.
I will actually elaborate on those two tests now.
I went back to see my cardiologist a while back! Because... I realized I should not have declined the tests he offered, and I also needed a referral to the neurologist. So he ordered me a CT and another TTE (my last one was in 2021) just to check everything, since I still get chest pain a lot. I managed to get them for the same day, with just a few hours gap between the two. Still, it's better than going back another day, since I take a toll road up there. (This is also part of the reason I would like my car already)
But it's weird. I don't particularly feel anything about selling my old car. I mean, like, I know I miss it and the fact that I will never drive it again unsettles me, but sadness? It's not really there. I guess the same thing goes for many other things in my life. It's hard for me to be actually sad. Which makes me feel bad sometimes... but I guess it's not something I can change.
Honestly, I didn't need to upgrade my car. My old one was barely 3 years old and still going really well. But it was depreciating fast, and even when I bought it, it wasn't everything I wanted. I wanted a black car, and I wanted the touring trim, because I wanted those Bose speakers (I am really big on the audio if you could not tell). So now that I have my own job and I can pay for it myself, I wanted to treat myself. I do think I'll keep this car for much longer. I had a lot of gripes with my old car's interior that just made it difficult to drive (my phone always got stuck against the shifter in the little phone compartment bc it was too large, my cup holder was right behind the shifter which made it awkward to shift gears, and just some other little things) and when I went through this car, they fixed all of those issues. The interior is so much nicer. And the dashboard... man, it's so cool. My old one felt too recessed, and it was a pain to look at. This one is not only closer, but it's got way more information.
The hybrid engine took me a bit to get used to, though. I like it, though. It's so quiet when I start it up. And I finally get cruise control... (I had it in my old car, but the sensors had to be recalibrated and all that and I didn't have the time to take it in, so no cruise control or anything cool ๐)
Sorry. This entry has just become a little thing for me to gush about my new car. I really am excited about it... I want to eventually make it into an Izaya itasha. There's a few artists I'm checking out right now for wrap designs. But I have to wait until I have more money... lol.
Omg that reminds me...! I finally started on my Izaya BJD I've wanted to make for ages. I only have the body + head + wig + shoes rn, but when I get more money, I'm going to commission someone to make his outfit. I want to get both his short coat and his cute long coat... dog ears on the hood included ofc. And then I have a bunch of merch that comes out all next month... how exciting.
I also turned 21 last month! I bought a scanner for myself as a birthday present. It's really cool. It's so much better than the one that's on our old ass printer. Izaya has never looked more beautiful...
I also got summoned for jury duty... but it was actually totally worth it! I've completely changed my sleep schedule for the better. I'm waking up earlier now... it feels so awesome. Actually, I'm going to bed soon. So I'll end this entry here. I'm not sure when I'll update my site more, because I haven't had much motivation there, but hopefully it'll be soon... ๐
August 23rd, 2024 โ 3 AM
Mood: ๐ค Excited
Listening to: Patrick Stump + Kendrick Lamar
It's been a while!!! Sorry. I got distracted.
I've been binging House MD lately. Which is not surprising, considering how obsessed with medicine I am. And when I say rewatching, I mean I grew up with House. I used to love watching it as a little kid... which would probably explain some of that obsession (lol). I started to rewatch it back in 2017, actually, but I never finished it...because I didn't like that they replaced the cast.
Sorry... I have never been good with change. But I really like the new characters. I just finished season 5. Crazy stuff happening... but yeah. Most of my time has been going into watching House.
I turned 21 the other day! Which I really don't like. Because yes, it is the funny 9+10=21 number, but it's so unequal... I wish it was an even number. My 25th birthday will be so magical. (Multiples of 5 are my favorite. Even numbers are second in my tier list of numbers.) To celebrate, I bought myself a scanner... a really good one, actually. The only one I had before this was the shitty scanner in my old ass HP printer... and all my scans were ugly. I found someone on eBay selling the Epson V600 for ~$180, and considering I didn't wanna pay the crazy $300+ price tag for a brand new one, I got it there. But I also had a $30 gift card, on top of ~$10 in credit card rewards, so I ended up paying less...! I'm so happy with it.
I've been going crazy scanning all my favorite clear files and stuff. It's so surreal. Before, I had to heavily edit and pray that I could make the scan look good. With this one? Literally all I have to do is maybe some minor color correction at the most and then maybe adjust the levels and remove dust, but other than that? It looks so good... the colors are so beautiful. I am so happy. I also got a license for a really good scanning software! So I feel so spoiled.
I also recently found an artist to commission for another piece I've wanted for ages! It's um........well. Again. Not something I can put on here. I got a sketch already... my goodness, I nearly fell over upon seeing it. I might have actually done so if I weren't sitting. It's so beautiful.
Shizuo and Izaya nendoroids came out yesterday! Unfortunately I do not live in Japan so I don't get them the same day. ๐ But GSC ships them the same day... so hopefully they'll come soon enough. I want to take pictures of them and pose them on my desk cutely when they come to celebrate. ๐ฅฐ๐ฅฐ๐ฅฐ
I started playing Soundmap! It's fun. I'm just focused on getting Fall Out Boy songs... I'm so pissed tho. Bc someone had a Snitches and Talkers shiny that I offered for and they sold it to someone else.......mjmghjh......nobody else is selling Snitches and Talkers shiny...........(gnawing at my fingers) Of course that was the first song I traded for. ๐ My collection is so beautiful. If you want to add me my user is @izayaorihara. ^_^
Now I have to wait for my Izaya bday kuji merch to ship and arrive at my Tenso warehouse . I'm so excited... mmgh... I need to see the sexy Izaya chess illustration without it being in low quality..............
I am going back to see my cardiologist next month! When I went to go see him in June, he had offered to order some tests for me cause I'm having chest pain again, and I had declined at the time bc I didn't think I need them, but man...it's pretty bad. He explained it as because I'm on beta blockers, I don't get as many palpitations anymore now, so when I do, my heart isn't used to it anymore, and the lactic acid gives me pain. And then he said if I'm getting them without palpitations, that is a reason to order to get tests done, and I... get them without palpitations. โน But I'm also gonna ask him for a referral to a neurologist I found. The first thing he asked me at the last visit was if I had found a doctor for my other condition... he is the best. This neuro doesn't necessarily treat what I have (in my area there is not really anyone who does except for minors idk why) but he treats a condition that the medication I want to get on is for, along with working with the same nervous system...so at the very least I hope he will understand it. There's also the issue of all my tremors/spasms...I was told I have myoclonus years ago by another neurologist but I didn't go back to him so I didn't get any further information. The good thing about this new doctor is that his office is not all the way in Houston Houston so ... I don't have to suffer the awful traffic. Like I will have to do again when I go back to my cardiologist. My god the parking over there is so fucking bad. I'll just go straight to the parking garage this time. I think it will be better now that it's not my first time driving there myself... but still.
I need to see an allergist at some point too. But I will see if the neurologist visit can help me with that beforehand because I believe it is all linked. Ugh... do you know how agonizing it is knowing everything is linked and knowing what I need to test for everything, but not being able to do so... I wish I was a doctor already... I'll do it all myself...
That is all I have to say for now. It's nearly 4, and I'm trying to fix my sleep schedule (somewhat) so I'm gonna lay down now. Goodnight ^_^
August 3rd, 2024 โ 9 PM
Mood: ๐ค Happy
Listening to: Patrick Stump + Acid Black Cherry
Happy August! AKA happy Shizuo and Izaya nendoroid release month...I can't wait to have them in my hands finally. I've waited so many years for this... I'm so glad I didn't kill myself or succumb to illness when I was 16โผ๐๐
Sorry...that's a little too dark for this site probably. But looking back on it, I really didn't think I'd live to see 18. And now I'll be turning 21 this year... it still feels a little surreal. But I won't make a huge fuss over it because it's not like I care too much to.
But on that note, I had the idea of making a page on here dedicated to my lore (it's funnier when I word it this way). I don't know if I'll go through with it, though, because 1) I don't think my lore is particularly interesting to people online, and also 2) it feels a little weird. But at the same time, I want to because my memory feels like it's only getting worse, and I want to be able to remind myself of the little details I can still remember.
Though, I'd only be able to write about my life starting from 2016, because everything before that is very hazy. I mean, I can remember 2015, but only because I was so into FOB/bandom, my mind forces itself to remember it all by association. Don't get me wrong, I can still remember stuff from my childhood, but only in brief memories, and usually only with the help of something like a photo. It's a weird feeling. I look at the me in those photos, and I think back to the moments during that time, and even if I do remember it, it's like I was never there, and I was only just spectating. The most detailed memories I have are of things I don't want to remember, which is stupid and irritating.
If I end up making a page like that, it'll probably just be something like me going through each year since and talking about significant stuff that happened to me that year. The thing about that though is that I feel funny talking about other people online. Even if I'm just going back on it all from an objective standpoint, it's still so embarrassing... what if they see.... >_____<
But I'm being silly and dramatic. Maybe I'll make it but just not publish it, like I think I'll do with that yume page...er, I might actually publish that one when I commission more art of us. Right now, it's mostly just picrews, so I want proper art of us. Which reminds me, I got that commission I talked about in the last entry! It's so............well, I've promised myself I won't get too explicit on this website (for whatever reason), so I'll just say it's really pleasing.
I went to go look back at it. Okay. Okay. I'll allow myself to indulge a little bit. This is how I feel whenever I look at it.
This artist's style is... there is no word to describe it other than peak. It's so beautiful. The expressions are so mmmgh... to quote Kira Yoshikage... I got a boner.
That's all I'll say on the subject. I already have an idea for the next yume art I commission: this time it will actually be allowed on said yume site. It will be funny.
In other news, I finally made an appointment to the orthodontist! I was supposed to go at the beginning of the year. But then my dad's insurance ran out, and I was stuck without coverage for a while, so I'm just now getting around to doing everything I need. I just really hope I don't have to get braces though... I'm already dissatisfied with my face enough. I don't need another thing adding to that. ๐คฆโโ๏ธ
I feel like I should elaborate on that. I have a bad baby face. And I don't mind the looking young part, because I don't want to age poorly, but it makes me look so feminine... I really dislike it. I suppose you could call it a complex of mine. Funnily enough, I'm rather happy with the rest of my body. I just don't know how to make my face look more androgynous... I know theres the option to use makeup, but I don't like to use it much, because even if I am using it to look more androgynous, it's been engrained into me that makeup is a feminine thing so it just unsettles me.
I need to dye my hair again soon... for some reason, my natural hair color unsettles me in the same way as my feminine face. I'm saying it unsettles me, but I'm referring to dysphoria. I guess it's because it's the hair color I've had all my life. But also... black just suits me better. Half because I'm an emo at heart, and half because I have to look like Izaya to at least some extent (lol).
But enough of all that talk! I'm so happy lately... to everyone who's followed me or said nice things about my site, thank you... ๐โโ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ I only started this website as a passion project and to better my coding skills, so I'm really honored people are enjoying it so much... I thought about it when I first started 3D modeling last month, but when I opened vscode back up to write that diary entry to talk about it and stuff, I felt so at home... despite it being frustrating sometimes when I have issues or whatnot (lord knows I had a lot of these when making the new albums page LOL), I really do love coding. I can't draw (although I'd love to), so for me, coding is somewhat like my own way of making art... I guess? It's a creative thing, so it counts in that way.
There's more I want to say, but I'm going to end it here because I have a bunch of stuff I want to do. Bye!!!! ^_^
July 30th, 2024 โ 8 PM
Mood: ๐ Excited
Listening to: Fall Out Boy
I forgot to write something in here...sorry.
I went really crazy modeling after that last entry. And then, as I always do, I ended up giving up...
But then I got back into it...!
I really want to see this project to the very end. My greatest motivation for finishing things is because of Izaya. I have finished so many things thanks to him.
I started a new page for this site, but I'm not sure if I'll publish it. It's a page for my yume ship... >___< It's just a little embarrassing. But it looks cute. Trust me on that, even if I don't publish it...
I finally got to commission this artist I've wanted to comm for months! The first time they opened them, I missed it (didn't have enough money), but this time... I wasn't gonna pass up the chance again...! My request was yume art... the sketch is already so peak. I can't wait for the finished piece. But wow... it's so embarrassing typing out the request and all that. Especially cause this piece is... well, it's not something I'd put on here, that's for sure. But I always feel funny when I go to an artist and type out my request. I just have brain damage, I guess.
I applied for a job at a hospital near me! I'm not sure about the pay, but I really want to get a job in the medical field in at least some way so I can have like... you know, relevant experience. And I really want to work with that kind of thing.
As for this site, I haven't done much...what I have done is mostly on that yume page, and then I've just been going back and forth between that and modeling. However...! I did fix the twemojis... the server that was hosting the emoji pngs on the old site was gone, and it was an outdated release anyways, so I found a better release. I get to have the cute pink heart emoji now...! ๐ฉท
I also got tickets to see Kikuo in September! I'm really excited, cause he's coming to a city outside of the Houston area... which is much closer for me. And much less painful of a drive. And it's in a cool area.
They keep announcing more Durarara collabs... my wallet can't keep up... (hence why I applied for that job)... and Shizaya nendos come out next month... oh, I'm so excited... I already have a Nendoroid Doll body and outfit ready for one of my Izaya nendos (I got two...). The next few months will be exciting for me. I hope I get this job... if not, then I'll apply for something else nearby... it likely won't be medical though because 90% of those jobs in this area want at least some kind of certifications, which I don't have...
That's all I have to say for now. Bye for now!!! ^_^
July 16th, 2024 โ 8 PM
Mood: ๐ค Excited
Watching: Natsume Yuujinchou
I've decided to change the little mood indicator. iMood's little icons just aren't fitting enough for me...
But that's not what I wanted to write this entry for. I've actually been very busy the past few days...! I had the idea to make a page on here for all my MMD work over the years and whatnot, just to showcase my growth, but as I thought about it, I got a bit depressed... because I don't really use MMD much anymore. The reason? The only character I care enough about at the moment to really work on a MMD project with is Izaya, and my model for him is... lackluster. As in, it's just a poorly edited model I made when I was 15/16... the outfit and hair are all from a mobage as well... so it's just painfully low quality. The face was originally from Yusuke's P5D model, btw. I just heavily edited it... well, when I look back on it now, I didn't really edit it as well as I would have liked. My inspiration was Yasuda's Izaya, since I love his style, but it was poorly executed...
But anyways. I recently redid the face on that model a bit back at the beginning of this year. But somehow, it feels even less right...!!! So I gave up on that for a while. Until now!
I opened up Honkai Star Rail a few weeks ago after... months of not playing. I have no idea what's going on in Penacony. But as soon as I saw the one guy, Aventurine, I was like, 'Wow, I could totally use his face for an Izaya model'. I guess I should give some context on the current model I have for him right now for that to make better sense though.
I've been looking for a replacement for the original model I made for a long time now. Simply put, all of the parts I used are from console games, and not just any console, but small ones. One is a mobile game like I said, and the other is a PS Vita (Yes P5D came out on the PS4 too but they didn't make two different models for each platform). As such, they have very little polygons, and their textures are compressed to hell and back. I've been fixing that second issue for a while by redrawing the clothes, but the first issue? I can't fix that on its own. That, and it's hard for me to edit an existing mesh.
So I tried with the HSR guy. But I was wrong... his face just doesn't match Izaya's enough for me to be able to work with it without suffering a ton first. So I exited PMXE, sulked for a little bit, and then opened something else...
Metasequoia 4.
It's a 3D modeling software, basically. From what I can tell, a lot of MMD creators use it for making their models. I tried my hand at it once, actually... it didn't end well. But it's fine! I opened up YouTube and searched for a tutorial, and got to work...
Actually, I had the most trouble at the beginning. The reference images I was using didn't line up correctly... I was so pissed. But at some point, I started really getting into it, and well... it actually doesn't look that bad. I mean, it's really rough and I need to smooth it all out, but I really like just adding all the faces... it's like coloring it in. ^_^
And this way, I have complete control over how I wanna sculpt the face, which is perfect for me... I already like the shape a lot better. I'm just not looking forward to when I have to do the textures... lol. I might just go with flat colors and make it 100% anime style, but I also am not sure I'll model the entire thing... I'm not that skilled (lol). I'd like to model the hair as well, though... so maybe as I continue, I'll get more comfortable with it.
I'm motivated now. I'm gonna end this here so I can post this and get back to modeling already. ๐
July 9th, 2024 โ 11 PM
Mood: 
Exhausted
Listening to: Fall Out Boy
Living in Texas is so much fun until you remember the people in charge are extremely braindead and have no idea what they're doing.
A hurricane hit us! The winds and rain were really bad. But considering I'm from Texas, particularly an area closer to the coast, that shouldn't be too worrisome, right?
Well, it's actually not. Don't get me wrong, it's still certainly dangerous to have such high speed winds, but it kind of comes with the location. The part that makes it so much worse is the people who are supposed to "help".
This was a category 1 hurricane. So why is it that millions of people in the Houston area were/are stuck without power for days? I'm not going to get into all the little details because I don't really feel like there's a need to, but the main energy company in our area is laughably bad. As in, they knew about this hurricane for days before it hit and still had a ton of trucks out of town.
It was so awful! I was stuck suffering in the Texas heat in the middle of July. I woke up this morning at 4am or so because I was so sick from the heat. My car has been my savior once more. ๐ซ When I went into town yesterday to go get something to eat (and see how bad the storm was), it was like nobody knew how to drive. Omg. The traffic signals go out and suddenly everyone on the road becomes stupider than they were before. 4 way stops are beating Houston's ass...and I'm not even in Houston technically.
I just don't get why they aren't better prepared. They had issues back during the tornadoes in May as well, but I was lucky enough that those didn't hit my area... still, it feels like a big joke. Thankfully, we got power back earlier today, but there's still so many people without power... it's a shame.
We have a generator, but it's not one of those cool ones that automatically comes on... it's the kind you just plug the stuff into directly. Not to mention painfully loud. I think I'm gonna invest in one of those little ones for my own devices... I didn't charge my devices enough beforehand... I mean, yeah I had my car to charge my phone, but it's not that fast, and I don't like wasting my gas so much. But it is nice to be able to listen to my music on the speakers in the AC. ๐
At any rate, something good did happen! The night (morning) the hurricane first hit, I was about to go to bed when Kadokawa's online store posted about opening preorders for the Durarara 20th anniversary merch... WHICH INCLUDED THE MERCH FROM THE POP UP SHOPS THEY'VE BEEN DOING!!!!!!!!!
I was so happy. I was so sad bc I haven't been able to get any of it until now bc you know... I'm in America. Not Japan. But I was holding out hope that they'd do an online shop for it as well, and I was right...! ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ So of course I preordered the Izaya dakimakura. Ahhh... I'm so excited....................
It's a shame Kujibikido's site is still down. Next week was supposed to be the 20th anni kuji, but... I don't think that's happening now. Well, I guess it gives me time to get more money for it... but I still want to see the merch lineup.
I might go to bed earlier tonight. I never sleep well during power outages. I'm always up late stressing out small things and having them send me into weird panic attacks (shoutout to the overproduction of adrenaline in my useless body๐๐ฅ). That being said, as soon as I got back on my computer earlier, I went right back to working on this site, so... I think I'll update a few sites soon. This time I'm working on the about page. It's funny looking back at my older pages and going 'wow, this javascript sucks'. Actually, I should go finish my Genshin page (reminded of bad code)... I was going to wait to update it so I could put my Furina build.
I did not get Furina.
I got Dehya.
I hate claymores........
Whatever. I'll just wait until her next rerun...!!! (eye twitching)
I'm ending this here then. Goodbye !!!!!!!!!!!๐
July 7th, 2024 โ 1-2 AM
Mood: 
Fatigued
Listening to: Fall Out Boy ๐
Something actually interesting and fun happened to me today, so I decided to write something in here.
I say "interesting and fun", but it wasn't really fun. I'll start by giving a bit of background. As I mentioned in the previous entry, I most likely have MCAS. Which is a pain on its own, but it tends to take a while for the antihistamine I take (Claritin) to kick in, so I'm always suffering for quite a while. And since I don't have an official diagnosis, I'm only taking it as per instructed by the OTC bottle, which is no more than 1 every 24 hours.
Well, I had to ignore that for the first time today (yesterday).
And it did nothing this time...!
I took one at 12am in the morning because I had a flareup. It didn't really help, and my eyes were still really irritated and somewhat painful, but when I went to bed, I thought, 'Ah, it'll be fine in the morning (afternoon), so I won't worry about it.'
When I woke up, it was still there. Milder than usual, but still there regardless. By the time 3pm came, I decided I had enough, and ended up taking another, despite it not being 24 hours since the last one yet. And then I had lunch and whatnot, spent a while coding the figure page for this site (surprise!), and then...I had trouble breathing. I felt so sick. Truthfully, it was even worse than it usually is. Once again, I had enough, and was about to drag myself to the local urgent care clinic. Then my parents told me I shouldn't be driving in my condition if I'm so sick, so my mom ended up taking me. Regardless.
It was alright. The staff was nice. And then, this doctor came in and I told her about the antihistamines I took and whatnot, and she scolded me for taking more than 1 in a 24 hour period...!!!!!! Well, I guess it's to be expected, but still...
And then, I was told they were going to give me a steroid shot. Which was interesting, because I had never gotten one before. So then they came in with the shot, and the lady told me to pull my shorts down, and I was like 'huh?' cause again, I've never gotten a steroid shot. It turns out they use your ass since it's such a large muscle. The needle itself was fine. It was so small, I was kinda wondering when they were gonna get on with it. But the pain afterwards was what really kicked in. Ah, it hurt so bad... (being dramatic)
But it turns out those shots don't really kick in until a day or so. So... I'm still left with my eyes being irritated for no reason. There is one good thing to come out of all this, though:
Another issue commonly associated with MCAS is dermatographia! AKA, skin writing. In basic terms, when you scratch or stroke the skin, it'll turn red and start to swell up. Er, well, in my case, my skin just turns red really fast, which makes me wonder if it's really MCAS. But at any rate... I can write on my skin.
Of course, I wrote none other than Izaya's name on my skin. ๐๐ (I wonder if there's hope for me...)
I'm just really sleepy now. It took a lot out of me. And it's not like the flareup went away. My back and legs hurt too... I've spent the rest of the day coding and rewatching Saiki K. While I'm here, though, let me talk about something more fun and exciting.
A new Durarara collab was announced...!
And I won't be able to go...
It's at Round One. Which I know we have them in America, but they're obviously not bringing the collab over here. That, and the closest one is in San Antonio, and I don't like San Antonio, so I'll pass... at least they're supposed to open an online shop a bit after the collab starts, so I'll be able to get the goods from there. (Please don't let the Izaya merch sell out before I get them...!!!!๐๐๐)
(2:48 AM) Sorry, I got distracted looking for itabag stuff... at any rate, oh, Izaya looks so cute and sexy in the new art... ็งๆใ ใชใใฆโฆ่ใโฆๅฟ่ๆญขใพใฃใกใใใใโฆใใฏใไฟบใฎๅคฉไฝฟใใๅใใใI won't say any more because well... it's not appropriate to say here.
I think that's all I have to say for now. I'm still pretty sleepy. But I'm gonna go back to coding and watching Saiki for a little longer. I was saying I would see the allergist after the neurologist, but after this, I'll probably see them first... thanks for reading all this regardless. ๐โโ๏ธ
July 3rd, 2024 โ 8-9 PM
Mood: Excited
Listening to: Izaya LA LA LA LOVE SONG cover ๐
Big things are happening...!!!!
I was actually about to write an entry on here before this, but after this news, I was even more motivated. As I said in my previous entry, I haven't had insurance for months! As in, since the end of January. And that does not mix well with being chronically ill. I had to cancel a procedure last month... but today! My dad told me he had finally set up the insurance at his new job, so I went and created an account online for him, and now I have access to the ID cards...! Which means I can finally call and schedule an appointment with doctors!!!!!!!!
My plans for how I'm going to go about everything are I need to see a neurologist first to see if I can get on the previously mentioned cholinesterase inhibitor, because if I have this specific subtype of this condition (which is certainly likely considering how easily it is for me to get sent into fight or flight AKA overproduction of adrenaline), then this would theoretically maybe not cure me per se, but it would certainly help out a ton. And then after staying on that for a bit, if my weird allergies persist (which is likely MCAS but I don't know enough about it to be sounding so certain), then I'll see an allergist for that as well. Oh, but how exciting...!!! I am really happy to be trying out an entirely new medication. My only current treatment is beta blockers, which work very well to keep my heart rate from skyrocketing and dramatically reducing the amount of PVCs I get, that's... about the only thing it really does. But I have much more than just heart issues! So if I can get on this medication, I have high hopes for it.
Actually, I had tried out Ivabradine back at the start of the year (my doctor was so nice and cool, he had no problem prescribing it to let me try it out๐), but 1) It only caused me awful fatigue, even more so than the beta blockers, and 2) I had already paid $70 for it (after waiting like a month for insurance to approve it), and that month is when my insurance ran out, so I wasn't...gonna pay for the $300 refill. I only got to take two doses, but fwiw, it did keep my heart rate low, so I can't complain much there. I feel like I maybe didn't enjoy it as much though because most of its effect went to treating the withdrawal symptoms from replacing a dose of my beta blockers with it (lol). That shit is no joke. It's the main reason I don't really like being so dependent on it. I've ran out of my refill a few times without having a new one on hand... I hope it never happens again. ๐
At any rate, I think that's all I have to say for now. I finally started working on the new fave characters page! The current one that's up has been left untouched (in terms of styling and all that) since... probably at least 3 years now. ^_^;;; So it was about time I created a new one. I'm adding more characters this time, but not a ton. I have a problem called I can only care about like 8 characters tops before my mind short circuts and goes right back to Izaya Orihara... I mean, that's not to say I don't like a lot of characters. I do. I just don't have a lot of favorites. But it's fine. Makes my site look cuter and more concise. I only have enough mental capacity to talk about those and Fall Out Boy anyways. (lol)
I'm going to go keep working on that site now. Bye bye!!! ^_^
July 1st, 2024 โ 3 PM
Mood: 
Excited
Listening to: Fall Out Boy + Kamiya Hiroshi
This is a new page!!! I definitely did not already write a few entries almost 2 years ago before deciding to put off the release of this page!!! Please don't scroll down.
Ahem. It's a bit embarrassing, but yes, I ended up writing two entries on this site while it was in development. I kept telling myself, 'I'll post it today', but then that became next week, and next month, and...well, I'm not really known for being the most consistent with my site updates.
Which brings me to the next thing. My homepage has been completely redone!!! (โ>แด<๏พ๏พ๏พโฉ:+โง๏ธโ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พ๏พโงหโ*ฬฅโญ
Yes, it took me a year, but I did it...! Truthfully, I still really like the old layout a lot, but I just... don't really know how to style it. The old homepage looked so boring and empty. So I wanted something cooler. Though, I can't help but wonder if I used too much red... it's certainly different than this page, that's for sure. This is also my first time making my own navigation buttons... I went through a lot of different outlines of them before I finally realized I'm not smart enough to do anything more advanced than basic shapes. I'm really happy with the layout. It's kind of similar to the layout I had before this last one, in terms of where the content is, but this time, I have three columns instead of two. I'm really glad I ended up going with that, because it gives me so much more to work with. That, and putting the navigation buttons on the sidebar was such a good move. ๐
Along with the new homepage, I'm also publishing my new Fall Out Boy shrine page! Before this, it was nothing more than a picture of the logo on my neocities page...lol. I actually had been doing stuff with it on my local version of my website, but I just couldn't figure out what to do... my original idea (and the one I sat on for the longest) was to put the cork tree album cover in the middle of the page, and then have the middle part disappear for the content. And then it'd switch between that and the back cover of the album. I didn't like it because it left so much blank space on the page. So I had the revelation to keep the little boxes that the songs were in on the album back, but remove the divs they were contained in... which led to what I have now. I am very happy with it. I wanted a layout that looked like the cork tree theme, and this is perfect. The js was a little annoying to get working. I had to do a lot of trial and error. It wasn't particularly hard, I just suck at it.
Oh, but I'm forgetting one of the biggest changes: I changed my site's url! Yes, that's right... I was formerly balladeer... I changed it because as much as I love Scaramouche, I wanted a url that better fit my site and its theme. Funnily enough, though, I apparently started making a shrine for Scara back in December 2022... as in, I only put a title for the page and set the background color. I don't remember doing this. That being said, I'll hopefully be working on that soon enough.
I've talked so much about just the site, but I forgot to talk about my own life. Well, obviously, a lot has happened with me since I last was on here. I got my license, if you can believe it. (Well, it kinda happened before my last update, but I'm talking about it for the first time now.) I'm driving in Houston now. I don't like it. I don't like Houston... I can go 90 mph on the freeway and still have some freakishly huge ram or ford f-150 on my ass. I'm not even in the left lanes either... that, and there's a tesla store or whatever just off the freeway near my town, on the way north. So I get to see 9000 of those hideous fucking things... and I've already seen those god awful cybertrucks way too many times.
But enough of that. I haven't had insurance for months now, so I haven't been able to see any new doctors, but I'm hopefully getting it soon. I found a neurologist in my area that treats the condition for a medication I want to take. I word it like that because it's not the condition I have, but it's a cholinesterase inhibitor, so it should do good for me. That, and this doctor specializes in issues with the PNS, so even if he doesn't know much about my condition specifically, I can at least explain it and he'll understand it.
I also recently finally updated my Izaya site as well! I was motivated by someone on Tumblr who said they really liked my site... I was so moved. ๐ฅบ I didn't do too much, admittedly, but I did change my merch page into a whole separate page, instead of it just being contained within the iframe. It's a lot better this way. I made it look cute. Go check it out. ๐
I don't know if I'll be able to go back to college this year... I waited until the very last minute to submit my financial aid shit because I was really pissed at how nosy they were about my parents, and it kinda backfired on me...so I don't think I'll be able to get any aid. And I certainly can't afford college. Well, I wanted to go to work for a while anyways, but... it's so hard to find a job. Everything on Indeed is either AI bullshit or "come force train autistic kids to be normal!!!!๐" so it's completely useless now. I'd like to go back to working at Walmart because I had fun there last year, but towards the end, I had to call in so much because my condition kept flaring up and I'd get too sick to come in... so I don't really know how I'm going to navigate getting a job while disabled.
(4:43 PM) Oops, sorry... I got distracted playing Genshin. I want Furina so bad... ๐ข She's been my like, second or third favorite since the Fontaine quest... but I was unable to get her on her first run because I had used up all my primos getting Neuvillette, so... I'm really trying hard now to get her...! I don't really know what else to say here. I'm going to publish this site now, so I'll see you all on Neocities!
October 2nd, 2022 โ 5-6 PM
Mood: 
Indecisive
Listening to: Malice Mizer + MCR
Today, I got up at 1-ish as usual. I'd like to fix that soon, but it's the only time I feel truly alone so I am hesitant to give it up. My dad made chicken wings earlier, but I felt too sick to eat more than a few. I'm not even sick
right now, but I guess it's just another episode...
I got a referral to a specialist finally. Unfortunately, since no doctors in my area specialize in this disorder, I have to travel all the way to Dallas...which I already hated before but now I hate even more after seeing their MCR
setlist.
Anyways. I'll likely go by plane because I'm not asking my parents to drive 3+ hours over there, and public transit is so bad I won't even consider it. This'll be my first time riding a plane, and my dad might come with, but either
way...I'm very uneasy about it. It's only an hour long flight, thankfully, but I hate going to unknown places and doing big things; I have no control of it either, which makes it even worse. But! This popcorn company I really enjoy is
based just 30 minutes from Dallas so I want to go there too.
Back to my MCR concert. It was so much fun! I really think I prefer Toyota Center over the ATT Center, even though this is my first time going to both (that I can remember). It was a lot more open, and I just really liked the overall
vibe. And...oh, the concert itself was phenomenal. I got to properly enjoy it this time!! At the SA show, I sat down for ~75% of the show and was on the verge of passing out so much, but this time I barely sat down for like not even 3
songs maybe. I guess the stress of travelling ~3 hrs the same day didn't help me much last time, huh...that, and I made sure to drink a lot more water this time around. I even brought my beer salt with me! My seats were much farther out
because I bought them so last minute, but I still got good photos and videos!!! And the guitar solo during TGOY......it was just as good live. Oh, and this time I got a physical ticket! I'm so happy.
I went to Walmart last night. It was just because I had ran out of film for my instax mini I got the other day, and I actually wasn't going to go at first. And I went to the record section, as usual, flipping through all the records in
hopes that I'd see what I was looking for. I didn't have much hope, because I didn't find it at the ones in Stafford or Sugar Land, so why would it be in my tiny ass city? But just as I was about to leave, I saw there was a larger
area of records. So I flipped through those too, not very serious. And towards the end, I was just looking through random stacks with no real motivation, until I saw it: the Bullets record. I thought I was dreaming. I think my heart
skipped a beat, and it wasn't my condition this time. I gasped kind of loudly and probably looked a damn fool to the person who walked past me as my mouth was half open, and I picked it up frantically and began to tear up as I opened the
telephone app to call my mother and tell her the good news.
Er. Well, that's a bit of a dramatic retelling, but I truly was so happy. Even at the register I was still shaking a bit as I ran it past the scanner. Now, I only have one rare dream CD left to obtain...! Many years ago (2016), Aniplex
gave a bonus CD to everyone who bought all the Durarara!! X2 DVDs or BDs through them. What was this CD? More cover songs. And it just so happens that Orihara Izaya happens to sing one of the songs on there...do you see where I'm going
with this?
I've never seen it cheaper than in the low $300s online. Which is understandable, yes, but aghhhhh is it so frustrating. The first time I learned of this CD's existence was 2 years ago, which was already 4 years as a Durarara fan, so I
was surprisingly late. After a bit of internet scouring, I managed to find a SNIPPET of all the songs. So I went through each of them. I was like yes yes these are nice songs. I thought Shizuo's was surpsingly depressing (then again his
two other songs were as well so). And then I got to the final one: Izaya's. Had I been standing at the time of hearing it I would have fallen down and started rolling around and coughing up blood.
It was a love song...!!!
After a good few minutes of holding back tears, I swore to myself that I would hear the entire thing one day. It's a good thing I did not specify a time frame because it has been 2 years and I still have not heard the entire thing. I
finished my drivers ed the other night after motiviating myself with the fact that I will be able to work therefore afford the CD, however, so it will be soon. I will be sure to thoroughly document my feelings for it. The song itself is
really good too I've been a fan of the original since I heard Izaya's so double excitement!!
(6:38 PM) Actually, going back to that instax I mentioned earlier, I really like it. I've wanted one of these since I was like 11, so to finally have one is satisfying a nearly decade-long wish...! My first photo was a really bad photo of my Revenge CD btw... haha, I didn't get the framing and distance just yet. But even if a majority of my photos are kind of objectively bad, I still like them.
(9:32 PM) I was there to see dream reveal his face. It was like every other white boy I have seen before. I'm going to end this entry properly now after letting it sit while I go do 200 more things. Goodbye!
Happy 
